empathy 101

ever since i came to Adelaide up until yesterday, i'd been feeling extremely sorry for myself.

would you feel sorry for me, too? oh poor little linn. she's all by herself in a foreign country, studying and working her butt off because her biology lab group is just a little incompetent in english, missing her family and her friends, feeling depressed when her friends don't make time for her, emotional whirlwinds, frequent moodswings, getting tired of walking around the city all the time just to get from one class to the other and then to the bus stop or train station.

oh the pain. oh the misery.

boo hoo hoo.

yes i will admit that was and always has been my attitude towards myself. i don't know if there is a scientific or medical term for my condition, but i have this mentality that my life is a movie. do you realize that movie characters always gain the sympathy of the audience? even if in the movie the characters seem to have to fend all by themselves, they actually have the support of the millions of people watching them go through all their hardships. and i now realize that this is my very problem. i always visualize my life as a movie and thus, inevitably, i expect sympathy out of others. that is why i always want to tell people about my depression and my hardship. and i don't think this is just me; i have thought about it and have collected this much: human nature makes it so that we want pity for being in the worst possible situation. just imagine two people talking about their lives to each other:

A: oh sheesh man life sucks. life is so difficult.

B: YOU'RE telling ME? i know life is difficult. for goodness' sake i have to wake up at 4am every morning to go to work.

A: so? i don't even have enough money for public transport. i have to WALK to work.

B: i have to walk to work too. and my workplace is further than yours.

A: so? i have to work longer hours than you. i am so tired after every day that i can't even stand properly anymore.

B: you think i'm not tired? right after work i have to do this and that and blah blah blah...

okay i don't know why i picked this particular scenario (i actually made it up) but doesn't this sound familiar to most of us? i don't know why people often try to boast about their hardships to each other... why do we want to boast about things like this? aren't they better kept in confidence between us and God? i still find myself a culprit of such a crime. i still want people to know the hardships i'm going through because, well, they ARE hardships! i never expected that i could feel so depressed and homesick all the time. people at school and church meetings often see me at my best. at my peak. they see me when i'm happiest and most bubbly and most adorable. what they've never seen is me bawling my eyes out on skype with my mum or me curled up amongst the blankets and school books and whatever else is lying on my bed, shivering and sniffling and not knowing how to feel better. only my closest friends and my closest family would know how i really am nowadays... yes, my emotions are that tumultous. but i do think i'm getting better at handling this. i still need to turn to the Lord more.

and yesterday my mum told me that she, too, is very lonely at home now that i'm not there. me and my mum, no matter how much we fight and argue, are the truest bluest best friends there could ever be. we have all our little secret languages and inside jokes that nobody else can understand. we laugh about things until we're mistaken for crazy. oh how i miss being with my mum. and it was only then that i realized that i had barely thought about how SHE feels. i can't imagine what it must be like for her. she must feel quite sad, too. and this is where i've learnt that self pity really doesn't do anything for us. it only makes us even more depressed because we wallow in our sorrows and we bathe in it, surrounding ourselves with recurring images of depressing things that happened to us; it makes us even more miserable. and self pity also closes up our mind to others and especially to the Lord. we really need to have a repentant and soft heart if we want the Lord to vitalize us...

somehow, my posts nowadays keep ending with some reference to the Lord Jesus =)

awesome!

and so from now on, i will always do my best not to judge others and not to feel sorry for myself all the time, but rather to let things be and submit to whatever the Lord brings to me.

hit, sunk.... and risen?

how would you feel if somebody knew something about you that you yourself felt so shameful and dejected about?

what if it was shoved in your face and you suddenly had to face the harsh, angry reality?

not being as cryptic as i'd hoped here, but i really do have the urge to type this post now. i've been thinking about why people blog. i guess there are some that have a huge followers list because of the unique content. i am aware that there are some great blogs out there, the impact of each one varying according to the reader's personal taste. i know of food blogs, sport blogs, political blogs, news blogs, shopping blogs; the list goes on and on.

but what i think is the case for the average Ah Beng (or in this case Ah Linn) on the street is that blogs simply serve as a scratching post and often a canvas, ready for whatever is splashing across our mind to be translated into words and posted on our blogs. what is the purpose of doing this? i hope i speak for many others out there when i say that blogs yell for sympathy, empathy and the occasional dose of pitying comments. i don't know whether it's just me or it really is human nature for a person to want others to know the hardships and victories they go through, no matter how small and seemingly insignificant they are. isn't that what personal messages on MSN and facebook statuses are for? facebook really helps us out here. they literally ask us to tell them what's on our minds. and what, may i ask, is the purpose of this? well of course, it's so that all of humanity can know the little things that pop into our head throughout the day.

so it is true! we do have the natural tendency to seek out attention! however this is probably only for a percentage of us. some people don't give the slightest care towards splaying out their personal thoughts and feelings for the public to see. i highly admire such people. unless of course they're all chronically addicted to something or the other and therefore have no time for life's social aspect, in which case i'd feel highly sorry for them.

this issue of publicly displaying one's social life on networking sites such as Facebook or personal blogs suddenly came to me after a few instances where people (especially from church) have shot some cute comments at me regarding my facebook statuses. "Did you enjoy your avocado?" "How was your maths test? Did you slap that guy in the end?" sometimes i totally forget that i posted all this on facebook that i gape at them and wonder how on earth they knew. and that is what scares me THE most, the fact that i've been posting so much junk about myself on the Internet that i could even FORGET what i've posted! oh dear dear me...

so, back to the two rhetorical questions given at the start of this post. earlier today, i was feeling incredibly depressed. this is where words fail me. usually, i am pretty good at articulating my emotions and feelings to a high degree of accuracy; but now, i think i might have trouble expressing exactly how depressed i felt today. words have their limits, no matter how descriptive or provocative a word may be, the exact feeling can never be conveyed. this, i feel, is the inadequacy of language. anyway, i shall do my best. oh depression. i will not go so far as to say it was suicidal, or even cut-wrist-worthy, because it certainly wasn't. it most definitely wasn't that kind of depression. it was more like a quiet, aching depression; a depression resulting from yearning after various elusive things all at one time. it was like being dragged down into a deep dark chasm; the sinking feeling in my chest could have been analogous to that of the Titanic. any form of comfort from any person would've bounced right of me at that time. either that, or it would have wilted in the melancholy exuding from my pores. i don't feel that i'm going overboard with the adjectives here. i really did feel this way. OHHH i felt like i regretted so many things i had done in the past. why? why did i do this? why did i do that? OHHHH. i suddenly felt alone, isolated and unloved all at once. i also felt foolish, demented, mentally exhausted.

then i had to go for young people's meeting. i must say, i wasn't all that up for it. i had to drag myself to the car where Lee Ying was waiting patiently for me. i put my head on the windowsill and rolled my head around as the car bumped and hopped its way to the meeting. i'm sure i must've also uttered strange noises and mumbled to myself along the way. yes. i was that demented.

upon reaching the meeting, i immediately sat down and folded my arms across a pillow and looked down at my knees. i didn't want to say anything and i didn't want to look at anyone. i was in no mood, i told myself. people better watch out for me!!! such was my mindset, but oh you have to understand, i was in an unstable state at that time. luckily for me, the Lord intervened,

you know sometimes, when you are fully aware that you are completely NOT in your spirit and yet you still reject all feelings from your conscience, and then as if by God's hand (well of course by God's hand... what else??) everything that happens consequently only seems to speak to you? it's like, every hymn you sing, every verse you read, ever short prophecy that is shared by any saint, it ALL just seems to be talking to YOU! it's like God is literally pointing his finger at you, saying "OI ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME? YES I'M TALKING TO YOU" and you can't help but feel touched, scared and shy all at the same time. well tonight was like that for me. everybody started sharing about how whenever we feel out of our spirit, we really need to just turn to the Lord, because we have the resurrection and transcending power given to us by the Lord. it reminded me of the Day 2 portion i read in morning revival, talking about how the way for us to use such a power is to have the desire to get away from all deadness. and it suddenly dawned on me why i felt so depressed: it's because i felt dead!

of course, being a fallen human being, i couldn't immediately get out of my wallowing state of self pity. however as the meeting progressed, i began to shake myself into some sense and drag myself out of thinking about ME ME ME and i began to exercise my spirit a little more. it was good. i needed it.

many people were scared of me tonight. people who see me depressed for the first time often feel that way. because i usually convey an upbeat, cheerful and bubbly nature, anyone who hasn't known me for long will get incredibly puzzled and even frightened if they see me depressed. sometimes they look so spectacularly concerned for me that i want to suddenly burst out laughing despite my sadness. yes, that is how it is with demented people.

okay at this point i got interrupted in the midst of my peaceful posting by someone chatting to me on facebook (ironically) and so i have forgotten everything else that i intended to say. luckily, there wasn't much left to go. so i'll just end here by saying that death can really envelope us when we're in our worst situations. it's all down to how quickly we realize it, repent to the Lord and turn back to our spirit. and THEN the Lord will grant us the strengthening =]

Oh Lord Jesus.... be with me always...

flow of life

Ephesians 4:29-31 says: Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but only that which is good for building up, according to the need, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, in whom you were sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and anger and wrath and clamour and evil speaking be removed from you, with all malice.

These three verses were the scripture verses for Day 6 of Week 9 HWMR, The Divine Dispensing of the Divine Trinity: The Divine Dispensing of the Divine Trinity in the Believers' Living for the Building Up of the Church as the Body of Christ. They really touched my conscience.

I can't think of how many words that express malice, bitterness and anger that I've spoken to my fellow brothers and sisters over the past 17 years that I've been alive, let alone everyone else around me. Seriously! This word gave me a huge kick in the butt when I read it, making me realize what a dispenser of corrupt words I've been. And now let's set aside all the mean things I've said, what about all the vain words I've spoken over the years? Oh my gosh... And you can't believe how much time I've wasted discussing clothes, shoes and bags. I never thought I was a girly-girl but my girly nature has manifested itself. I AM GIRLY. I really need to pray to the Lord more that he would permeate my mind and thus renew it so that I would not speak so many vain words... I need to be more careful with what I say... =]

AND, today was the start of our much-anticipated 96 Lessons Training. It comprises of (duhhh) 96 lessons which will be covered over a period of 96 weeks. THAT'S ALMOST TWO YEARS. Every week we have to read, pursue and thoroughly study one lesson. Every day we need to cover a small bit. Every week we have to meet together in our study group and fellowship and pursue the lesson together. Every month, all the saints taking part in this training will meet together and we'll be TESTED on what we have been studying!!! Oh my gosh, it's almost like a Youth Preparatory Training back in Malaysia except this time I have to make it work alongside my college studies and other activities! WHOA. Really need the Lord's grace.

Despite the heavy schedule and demand of the 96 Lessons Training (we actually have Morning Revival criteria to fulfil now. We can't just do the usual calling on the Lord and merely reading the word for that day; we have to do all sorts of exercises), I am actually looking forward to it! The secret ingredient in this training is actually our day by day regulation. The more we regulate ourselves and constrict our daily living, the more we will benefit from this training!

Oh Lord Jesus! I consecrate myself to be trained and perfected by you, for the work of the ministry, for the building up of the Body of Christ!!! =)

typical rant.

okay i know how busy people can get. i mean, hello, i'm in college and i have so many commitments to carry out.

i have began serving in the children's meetings on Lord's Day and when i say children i actually mean kids who are only about 3 years younger than me. i'm practically one of them. what's more, the new morning revival that we have to pursue from next week onwards is actually TWO weeks at a time because we have two books that we'll be pursuing simultaneously. also, this Lord's Day will be the commencement of the 96-lessons training, which comprises 96 weeks of training material. i have to pursue it for an hour everyday, and i have to meet up with saints every week to have fellowship and pursue. what's more, i have assignments, projects, tests to study for, lab reports and various other annoying necessities that have to be carried out. do i like them? no! but that's life! if i want to get to medical school well that's just what i have to do!

and you think YOUR life is difficult? huh? wait until you get into my position, then you'll understand. you'll be crying out for attention.

you think YOU'RE busy? wait until you have to start juggling your school, social and spiritual life the way i do. wait until you're stuck in the middle of nowhere without the ability to just call up or text whoever i like at whatever time of day and wherever i am. think you'll survive? FORGET IT. you know nothing about survival.

sometimes i get so lonely i cry. you do NOT know the meaning of loneliness.

i know we shouldn't judge each other. i didn't judge first. rather, i was judged.

so let's leave it to God to be the judge yeah?

don't be so hasty to brush things away. you never know when they might disappear.

dizzy spells

today was probably one of the most - if not the most - sien days of my life.

it was partly my fault, because instead of using the first two hours of my three hour lunch break to compile my biology group report, i instead went shopping with Wengweng in Supré (THEIR SALE IS ABOUT TO END, OKAYY!!!). this resulted in carefree time-wasting trying on clothes and trying to decide on which skirt Wengweng should get. in the end, she got both. LOL.

yes, it took us two hours to go shopping at Rundle. and that was just ONE shop - Supré. imagine if we had wanted to go to more shops *shudder*. but nahh, we're saving our happiness up for HARBOURTOWN THIS WEEKEND!!!! =D bargain clothes, here we come!!!

it was only when i got to the computer lab at 10 Pulteney that i realized i had forgot to bring my own drawings of the specimens we viewed under the microscopes last week (each lab partner needed to submit his/her own drawings even though the report itself was a group effort). PANIC FLOODED MY MIND. i couldn't think, literally. luckily Angeline (Angel-ine) and Elle were there to help me out.

i called Peter to ask him if he could make an exception this one time and either extend the due date of the report or let me off without handing in any drawings. he did neither. he said it was my responsibility to make sure i bring my drawings and hand in my report on time. SIGH. but true, indeed it was my responsibility. at least i didn't bring down the grades of my lab partners, cos they brought theirs.

i looked at the percentage distribution for different components of our syllabus. THANK GOODNESS, practical reports had a mere 5%. but EVEN THEN, i could feel any chance of an MBBS slipping out of my butter fingers. i guess that was my kiasu nature coming out. I DIDN'T WANT OTHERS TO HAVE AN ADVANTAGE OVER MEEEE...

the stress piled up. when i got to biology lab class, Peter then told me that if i could go home quickly, pick it up, and bring it back to him before 5pm, then he would accept it. Any later and it would be a zero for us. EEK! you cannot imagine the amount of pressure that was upon my poor aching shoulders.

despite the tight schedule i had to keep to (2 hours to go home by train, fix up our report and making any changes, come back by train, walk ALL the way back along North Terrace to the uni, and then hand it in), my mind was flooded with relief, flooded to the point where my thinking skills were then drowned under the sudden tidal wave of relief. throughout the lesson, i kept doing stupid things. i left the hydrogen peroxide bottle open even after Peter repeatedly told us to close all bottles, i threw tissues containing bits of liver into the paper bin NOT the biological waste bin which i should have used instead, i ruined one of the pipette filler bulbs by squeezing the S-valve too hard and making the liquid shoot straight up the pipette and into the bulb. (i then removed the bulb, set it aside, and pretended it never happened. it was hilarious because later i complained to Peter that all the bulbs were faulty. he came over to me, picked up the one that i had ruined and said, "this one looks okay, but someone's gone and put liquid in it. oh well guess you'll have to use another one" HEHEHE SORRY PETER, MY BAD). i also was trying to shake the water off a tiny beaker at the sink, and with my caveman-like dexterity, i accidentally banged it against the side of the sink. luckily it didn't break. HAHA. oh yeah, i also didn't realize that the 1mL pipette was 1mL in capacity. i thought it was 10mL. so i was wondering why 1mL seemed like only a couple of drops of liquid... HAHAHA... like i said, my brain wasn't working...

anywho, i have to go to bed like pretty soon, so long story short, i managed to go home and get the report done, then i had to RUN for the 4:04pm train cos i had like 6 minutes to get to the stop. then i brisked walked to the student centre at the uni and printed out my report, and then i brisked walked to Jordan Labs to give it to Peter. i at least managed to squeeze some emotion out of Peter when he looked at me pityingly and said, "Aw, poor thing." Well at least i managed to get some exercise. haha.

so yeah. albeit the EXTREME exhaustion that resulted from today's fiasco, i am feeling AWESOME. praise the Lord. really, it was calling on His name that kept me going... calling on His name, and singing hymns absent-mindedly to myself.. yeah.. that about sums up my spiritual life... HAHAHA =P only joking. i still do morning revival XD

PEACE OUTTT

Hallelujah!!

wow this morning i just received some excellent news. Niqi was immensely touched at yesterday's home meeting, and afterwards she told me she was even more determined to get baptised now. So yesterday night she went home and called up her dad to have a talk with him and to tell him that she really wanted to get baptised, but she still needed his permission.

This morning, i found a missed call on my phone from Niqi, so i called her up to see what was the matter. Turns out, her dad agreed! Niqi is going to get baptised! PRAISE THE LORD!!! He really is the victorious One sitting on the throne! Praise Him for His sovereignty!

"Glorious freedom, wonderful freedom,

No more in chains of sin I repine,

Jesus the glorious Emancipator,

Now and forever, He shall be mine."

WOW. The Lord really does work in wonders. I'm so happy for Niqi. i really wish i could be there to witness her baptism, but if it isn't in the Lord's plan, i'll just have to accept it. I hope that someone will at least take some pictures! =P

So yeah. as it stands now, i'm probably the most entangled one out of all my friends. Celine's stopped eating her Breakfast, and so has Niqi. The Breakfasts are out of their lives... so now i'm "alone"...

nevermind... Press on! Press on!

=)

BLEHH

i hate infatuation. i CURSE infatuation! infatuation RUINS LIVES!!! especially those trying to be useful vessels for the Lord. infatuation should die!!! i cast infatuation into the lake of fire! infatuation is under my feet! infatuation shall not prevail!!!!

....ugh....

back from training!

WOW....

now THIS is why i have so much faith in the youth trainings... everytime i go, i can be sure that i will emerge a totally different person. everytime i go, i shed a little of the world from me, and take a little more life in me. Lord, help me to grow in life! I want Your life within me to mature and blossom!

celine, rachel and jane (jelly) were my spiritual companions throughout the training. eunice was too, but she left early for a squash tourney =(
i must say, the Lord really knows how to discpline us and teach us to take the way of the cross... celine, rach and jane were all staying on the first floor, but i was on the third floor. it was a burden! not only did that mean that i was amongst a lot of "unknowns" but also i was so far away from my dear companions! i was also the oldest youth in my room (i'm considered form 6) and during the training, sister Yee Fong left which made ME the "serving one" for our room!

however, all this serving one position-filling stuff just perfected my shepherding. i learnt to be more strict with my time management since now i had to be the pattern for the younger sisters to follow. if they saw me staying up late, so would they! so i had to make sure they shared and prayed adequately before going to bed and getting some proper rest.

it wasn't all fun and games in my room... it was difficult for me to blend with them since they were mostly lower youth and the only other upper youth was very quiet.... but i still prayed for them, and as the days went by, i noticed they started warming up to each other. even jayne (the quiet upper youth) became more open and exercised. Praise the Lord!

all in all, i really experienced the Lord's provision, wisdom and sovereignty in every environment that he placed me in. Lord, I love you.

unbe-LIEVE-able

i cannot one year has passed since the last english-speaking conference in east malaysia. boy, time does fly when you're having fun.
weeellllll, i wouldn't describe the entire year with the extremely generalized term "fun", but it certainly had its pros.

firstly, i was blessed by being able to fool around in bio and maths/addmaths and yet still get the grades i wanted! :) i am not a clever girl. i am not a lucky girl. i'm a blessed girl :) i still have to quell the urge to go "HAH I TOLD YOU SO!" to ms abuselah the next time i see her, which i hope won't be for quite a while.

i was also blessed enough to try passion fruit, a fruit which most of us only see growing on trees in Farmville or mixed with various chemicals in our Body Shop lipbalm. i actually tried it. i scooped out the soft seeds from their comfortable jelly-like crib and ground them with my molars :) BIO BIO BIO TRIBUTE TO BIO

i overcame many things. fewer than i'd hoped, but many things still. and there are more to come. i overcame youthful lust (for a while, anyway), i overcame the temper-losing demon, i overcame the burden of outward beauty, i overcame the desire to paint my nails in various neon colours, i overcame the devil's smile, i overcame my quiet meeting disposition, i overcame spiritual death.

OH LORD JESUS! it really is a joy to call on His name. a few months back, i'd probably not have given it much thought. but today, i can testify, that His name is above all names. "That in the name of Jesus, every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess, that Jesus Christ is Lord to the glory of God the Father." (Philippians 2:10-11)

Praise the Lord for His overcoming name!

do you know how Jesus died?

i cannot believe what i've decided to do. i have decided to make some drastic changes in my life.

the church conference i attended during the Hari Raya weekend has shown me much light. and as cheesy and trilogy-movie-ish as this sounds, i have found my life's purpose. i am going to serve the Lord.

how? i have no idea. but i guess it's all about my consecration before the Lord, isn't it? and it's all in steps for me. for example, i took the first step by crying my eyes out because i realized that in contrast to all that God has done for me, i've done absolutely nothing for him.

i learned how he died.

and it's not just the same old broken record; this time, i found out the details.

Brother David Vinson laid out every detail of Jesus' crucifixion bare and frank for us to hear. yes, we were amazed, some maybe even appalled, at his boldness. but it's the truth, and that is something no one can argue with.

so how exactly did Jesus die?

He was scourged. a whip of ninetails with sharp pieces of rock/metal hanging on the ends was smashed against His back 39 times. the Romans said that if they whipped you 40 times, you would die. so in order to keep their consciences clean, they gave you some mercy and whipped you only 39 times. each time the whip struck Jesus' back, flesh was torn out of His body, blood leaked out of His wounds; they struck Him to the point where the muscle was exposed. this is scourging.

Jesus had no strength in Him to carry His own cross. so the Romans hired a man of Cyrene to carry it for Him.

when they reached Calvary, nails were hammered through His wrists (not His hands, apparently, as the weight of His body would simply cause the nails to tear through the palms of His hands and He would fall) and His feet. then they erected the cross and mocked Him, pulled His beard, hit Him, charged Him to "save Himself if He was the Son of God".

what did Jesus do? did He call God to slay these evil men? did He ask His Father above to save him from his agony?

No. He told His Father: "Forgive them, for they know not what they are doing".

apparently, when one is crucified, they do not die of blood loss or injury, but rather, of suffocation. each time Jesus needed to take a breath of air, He had to pull Himself up; He had to lift up His torso each time and scrape His raw back against the rough cross, just to get a breath of air. criminals who are sentenced to crucifixion often die when they have no more strength left to lift themselves up to take a breath, and finally suffocate. therefore, to hasten their death, Roman soldiers often broke the legs of the criminals so that they would be unable to lift themselves up.

but that was unnecessary in Jesus' case. after an unimaginably agonizing period of time being hung up on the cross, Jesus lifted up His spirit, and He died.

He died so that today, i would be spared of such a fate. He died so that all human beings would be spared of such a fate.

don't you think that's worth my life's consecration?